How old were you when your parents told you they were going to Divorce?
I was 15 years old, I still am and I live in boarding school and it was early last year, a week before I was due to go home on a school break.
How did they tell you or did you know it was going to happen?
The past year I didn’t think they would be together anymore because they were too different. I hoped they would keep it together but I had a feeling they would split up eventually. They told me over the phone when I was walking back from lunch at school and mom told me they were going to separate. They have been together since College and were so young when they met and they had changed so much as individual people so many years later.
How did you truly feel about this decision?
When I first heard I was really angry, not so much sad. I was so angry at my mom was the one that told me and I thought she was the bad guy and my dad was the good guy and I was really confused. I thought that they would work things out but they didn’t and I was surprised and upset at them and thought they didn’t consider me but later I found out that was not the case.
How did it affect you personally, what were your deep inner thoughts?
I felt that I didn’t have a ground anymore like I had been torn into two pieces! I didn’t want to go home or have anything to do with either parent. I called my dad and asked “why would you do this it’s so stupid it’s too hard on me as I’m away at school.” I was so mad at them I thought it was stupid do this.
How did this affect your home and school life?
When I went home for break it was fine it was more the awkward stage they had just separated. The first two days my dad wasn’t living the house but he came to the house. My mom and dad were acting weird it didn’t feel right and I had an angry outburst. The second day my mom told my dad that she wanted a divorce and I was really emotional and thankful I wasn’t in between. I thought as they were together but not living together it was really weird. I asked my mom “why are you doing this to dad?” and I told her I was confused. I said” mom he’s all alone he’s far away and you have us all the time!”
But later on it was explained why this was for the best and their divorce was definitely going to happen. At dance school at the time it was a distraction from everything and dancing helped. It was a gateway to get away from it. My sister is at home she’s alone she doesn’t have my brother and I to support her and she’s still going through things. I think sibling support is very important. Us three are all very close, I get annoyed at my little sister but we are there for each other. I really think all siblings should be there for each other while parents are going through something like this. We had secret talks and were there for each other as we were all in the same boat.
Where your friends supportive?
At first I would not tell my friends they knew I was upset and they didn’t know why. I kept saying I didn’t want to go home and I was the girl that always looked forward to going home and I was counting down the days and one day I didn’t want to go home any more my friends asked me and I told them. They were very supportive one of my friends was going through it and another had problems in her family. My other friend told me her parents were separated and I realised that other kids go through it and as we spoke and shared I felt there were friends to go through it with me. It’s funny what you don’t know until you reach out and share. When you share it’s good to talk about your pain as my friends understand but even if they don’t connect to a divorce or have not gone through their parent’s divorce, they are good for smiles.
Did you keep your connections with all your family members and Grandparents?
Yes this if off topic but my friends and other people asked me if I hated my dad? I think that people take sides but later my mom explained to me they were not bad guys. Mummy said “If your dad did a horrible crime it wouldn’t change anything.” I still love my mom and dad very much and my feelings will never change towards them. With mom’s side of the family I still connect to them, I’m closer to my mom’s parents but less with my dad but I know the sides are now against each other. But I know I can reach out to them any time so I am actually in touch with everyone and I don’t think the divorce will affect that, family is family.
How did this affect you?
It was very emotional when it happened I was already having homesick problems but when this happened it put the icing on the cake. It felt like I didn’t have a family to come back home to like it was all done and my parents were at war and sometimes it gets really hard as they slip and say something about the other parent and they get too close sometimes and they forget to be perfect. Both of my siblings have had a breakdown because there have been misunderstandings. Mom would say “oh your father did this and this” and she would refer to different things, never bad things but it felt wrong her discussing him and I would say “you don’t have the right to say anything about my father!” Even though she wasn’t being unkind about him. It felt wrong, it didn’t feel right there was a time were me and mom would talk about it and it felt right but in the end both my parents are happy and they can be themselves and they don’t have to be a mob or arguing people. They are emotionally stressed and mom doesn’t have as much time for me lately but they really care and I tell them it is just simply sad.
Do you feel it was the right choice for them to Divorce?
Definitely it was definitely the right choice. I would never want my parents not to be themselves they were not happy either of them and now they can do what they want and I believe they are supposed to be happy and they can start their lives again and I’m really happy for them. We had good years it was not all horrible, we had great years. It was a breakthrough for me to understand.
My mom got out all her albums and showed me how happy she used to be all the pictures of her are so happy joyful and she was having fun and being free and then I thought “I want this for both mom and dad “and I thought “it’s good it’s happening.” I know the divorce could have gone smoother but it doesn’t always work that way but that’s ok because in the end it’s all fine. The pictures were of her college time a little girl my age so pretty, she was dancing having the same life as me and it showed me that she is not just a house mom who cooks, cleans and sweeps. She had a beautiful life and she deserves that. Same as my dad there is one photo where he is laughing with his cousin and I thought it was a connecting point for me and I felt we could connect in that way to bring that back.
What is your relationship with your Mother like?
We are a lot alike not only look wise we are empathetic and that’s why they were married for so long as they really care about people and they really care about us. We both have the same interests and socially we let people walk over us and let people take over us and we don’t set boundaries and we don’t speak up. I have yet to learn that and she is learning it now. She needs to go out this knowing is not the end she can have another life and explore, work and do her dream work and find what makes her happy. My mom was there from day one for my whole life I don’t remember a moment without my mom even though they are divorced I know that she is just there, she has been there for my first melt down until I got my first point dancing shoes she always put us first and now I’m happy she is putting herself first as she really deserves that. I so love her, I tell her that so much I’m always texting her “goodnight mom I love you so much” and many hearts as I’m still in boarding school. I do have separation anxiety but it’s getting better.
I say the same for both of them. I love them both so much and want the same things for my dad and even though he is more alone he knows I will come see him he worries that I won’t and sometimes I find it hard to go back and forth and I try to please both sides and I want him to know that we all love him and he can do what he wants.
What is your relationship with your Father like?
Me and my dad are hard workers he always tells me “ever since you were in the cradle I would whisper in your ear, never give up”. At school a lot of people get the answer right away and I have to work hard at that and every day he tells me never to give up and work hard anything is possible he’s never told me ‘nothing ‘ is possible. His word choices are so correct everything he says is so uplifting he’s very supportive. We are close definitely I am daddy’s girl.